Tobacco

     We've always said that if we could sum up our gardening philosophy, it could be done in one word: Pragmatic. We have always tried to grow the things that we like to eat, but more specifically things that we like to eat from one or two categories. The categories are either A) something we like to eat that has WAY better flavor from the garden than bought in the store (tomatoes, melons, brussels, etc), or B) something we like to eat that is ridiculously expensive when bought at the store (artichokes, berries, avocados, someday maybe asparagus). If the product falls into both categories, as many do, even better! I've broken this rule from time to time, just to try a certain bean, or some sweet corn, or potatoes, and have NOT been rewarded for the effort. Ironically I either have the hardest time with these- because of pests or some other factor I don't know about, or I just wind up with such a small harvest of staples that the math just doesn't work. Beans, for instance, are cheap and plentiful in the store if you know how to cook dried beans. Fresh corn, I only want seasonally and the farmer's market hooks it up just fine. One of our funniest gardening mishaps was planting a whole bag of cranberry beans, only to harvest about half of the number that I actually put into the ground- we got a kick out of that.

     Well, lately we've been smoking again. Not a crazy amount, just usually buying a pack or two whenever we knew we'd be out drinking and chatting with friends. Initially because we felt bad for constantly bumming theirs. Friends are generally kind, and that's why we all like them- but I know the price of smokes, so we have decided to start picking up the odd pack on the way to the BBQs.

     Now according to the finest source of quality information that one can turn to these days, (Yahoo answers of course) there are .8 grams of tobacco in a cigarette. Assuming this is true, that means there are 16 grams of tobacco in a pack of cigarettes, which converts to a little more than HALF of one ounce of tobacco, actually that's 0.56438 of an ounce the way I've rounded it. At $7 a pack in CA, that comes to a little less then $14 an ounce- or the number that will really shock you: $224.00 a pound for tobacco.

Can you imagine this exchange at the grocery store?

You: "Hello, these tomatoes look beautiful, how much are you charging for them?"
Grocer: "Oh, those are going for $224 per pound."
You: "I see! Well, that sounds like it should be a pretty good amount of tomatoes then, and I'm sure they must be really good for me."
Grocer: "Sorry, no. That will only get you 3-4, depending on the size you pick. As far as being good for you; if you look here at the sticker on them, you'll see that there is a good chance that if you don't quit buying and consuming them, they will kill you."
You: "Hmm.. That really sounds terrible. I'll bet they're the best tasting tomatoes that I've ever had at least."
Grocer: "Wrong again friend. Even as carcinogenic tomatoes go, these are among the worst in history. See, the carcinogenic tomato industry is organized in such a way that there are really only 6 companies in the country. [Info sourced from answers.com, clearly the only source of info that is arguably more reliable that yahoo answers] They are producing much the same product, like the beer industry used to do. Unfortunately, there is very little hope that we can expect an micro/flavor-centric movement with carcinogenic tomatoes, since the regulation involved pretty much keeps little guys out of the game. Anyway, even at their best this product is likely to make you stink and be shamed and excluded publicly. At the worst (and these certainly fit the bill!) they are filled with a crazy list of dangerous additives on top of their naturally occurring carcinogens."
You: "So then why the heck would anybody buy them?"
Grocer: "That's the catch. They are horribly addictive!"
You: "Ok, well I'm not dissuaded, how much will seven dollars get me?"
<The grocer cuts a teeny tiny sliver.>

NOTE: The preachier elements of the above exchange are truly meant to dissuade you from smoking at all.  That was the token effort on my behalf, but I'm done with that now- moving on.

     You may think that the above imaginary conversation was inspired by Homer Simpson's "Tomacco", but in fact I chose the tomato analogy because by all accounts, growing tobacco is very similar in process to growing tomatoes. They like similar soil, need to be fertilized similarly, and have many of the same pests (ok, their hornworm has a different kind of stripage- big difference). As a gardener who is "All Thumbs" (even if they are green) I can vouch for the ease of tomato growing.

     But what can you expect to yield from growing your own tobacco? According to a very wise-sounding cartoon gentleman in a Mexican wrestling mask (on Yahoo answers- google any question, it's amazing!), you can get about 3-4 cartons of smokes from one plant. At $7 a pack, that's about $180- $240 saved per plant grown.

     Even for as little as we buy tobacco, there is certainly no agricultural product that we buy that is more expensive (and with that, you can extrapolate all sorts of useful information about my personal habits), so it makes sense that we would try and grow it! Heck, I'm even fond of rolling my own cigarettes when I smoke, so no down-side there.
     Seeds are readily available online, and legal to buy. Tobacco is legal to grow for personal consumption in all 50 states- but don't even think of trying to sell it or you could have the ATF knocking on your door. Not even plant starts can be sold, from what I understand.

     The seeds of tobacco are tiny- almost a dust in the little bag that you will buy, but they will sprout way more plants than you will likely need to grow. I probably have about a hundred tiny starts now in my little starting flat. The seeds should be dusting over a wet starting medium, and not buried at all. Mist the medium daily if it looks dry, and you will see little plants in a couple of days to a couple of weeks. Mine took almost three weeks before I saw any tiny plants. They should stay indoors till they are big enough to transplant: 2-3 inches at least.

     Tobacco leaves will ripen from the bottom up (so I've read) and you'll want to cut off whole leaves as they start to wilt and turn yellow. Sew a bit of twine through the stem of all harvested leaves- leave some space between each one and hang them up somewhere in the shade where air circulates. When they have dried they will be ready to smoke. If you want, you can build a makeshift humidor to cure them in for more (or more particular?) flavors. I will likely not do so, just keeping it simple instead.
Save one plant for seed, all flowers will sprout at the top and can be bagged if you want to make sure the strain is pure- flowers are self pollinating.

I'll put some pictures up soon, smoke 'em if you got 'em.